# I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back …

… he made a bolt for the door.

## My ex-girlfriend used to beat me with stringed instruments.

I didn’t know she had a history with Violins.

## Today my son and I walked past a gym and he said “looks like they’ve closed down.”

My response; "guess it didn't work out."

## An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.

The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.” The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell. The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort of sucks that we need to eat two buckets of shit, but I rather surround myself with Russians. I choose Russian hell.” And he was sent to Russian hell. A few years later, they met again. The Russian asked the American how his time in hell was. The American replied, ” It’s not too bad actually. It’s comforting that most people are American there and it feels like home. The only sore spot is that I have to eat a bucket of shit daily. What about you?” The Russian replied, “I feel you. It really feels like right at home, either they forget to deliver the shit or there are not enough buckets for everyone.”

## Why was the virgin left hanging?

No text found

## In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."

## Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way

## I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”

It’s non-friction.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## I love jokes about monorails.

Those are my favourite one liners.

## A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."

## Before Beyoncé got married,

she was someone's Feyoncé

## Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)

So you care about the wall

## Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight and 71.

## A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

## Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?

It's two-tired.

## I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.

I just came to that conclusion.

## I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…

…that's Hawai'i roll…

## What does a robot do after sex

Nuts and bolts

## Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon

## What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

## What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

## My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.

So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."

## I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

## I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

## I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

## Halloween dad joke

why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha

## If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN

You will get them VERY ANGRY

## Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

ba dum tss

## Never fight dinosaurs..

You’ll get Jurasskicked

## How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?

Hela Fast.